energy wheels

chakras.. if you ask me to imagine my mother sat in lotus in the palm of my hand. this will cause me amusement, firstly as my mother would say she has bad knees & can't 'do' yoga & lets face it i wouldn't be able to hold her in my hand so i'd drop her, serene & yogic is not quite the image that I can conjure.. i asked Colin yesterday if i was like my mother & he replied... i don't know your mother, we just get occaisional glimpses, i found this quite a profound but correct statement..

then ask me to hold my father between my hands in virabhadrasana 1... the only lasting image i have of my father is on a stainless steel table, skull split in 3 & very messy... this doesn't disturb me at all anymore, this is just how it is

& those people i am asked to think about while in firelog & then janu.. they no longer hold the disappointment I once had, they are just part of my past.. 

& Dudley.. who i once lost my temper with.. he is far wiser & forgiving than i.. i doubt he even remembers it..



i'm halfway on my Teacher Training & half way through my Foundation 2.... & as its always said.. when you are wanting to walk away from something.. this is when you really need to stay

I love my FC2, there is something about this teacher, she gives me a sense of calm/understanding that no other teacher does.. I could say its the Jivamukti.. her disciplined dance background.. maybe that is part of it.. i can't answer that, all i know is that she is my teacher for a reason, the day she told us a story about a woman who forgave the man who killed her son & then asked me to sit on her mat, that day so could have been avoided if she hadn't asked me about my personal practice... how could she know that hit a place in me especially just a few weeks on from Ian applying for parole a second time.... in another workshop a few eeks after she asked us to offer up our final wheel to someone who has a postive place in our lives & came & patted me on my belly whilst up there.... there are simply to many coincedences

I like my teacher training, maybe i will learn to love it.. eventually, i feel out of place.. i'm sure i'm not alone in that thought process

i'm fighting Yoga at the moment, the last 5 years of my life i've 'conciously' lived Yoga.. yet these past 5 years i haven't been as content as before.. is that the yoga process i'm going through.. its not a great place, the physiotherapy especially has really taken me to a place of great fear & it doesn't seem to be getting better, although i know it is, its just a very long process of  damage limitation & repair.. 

.. i can't pretend to be someone i'm not.. 

Deva Premal is here soon in the Nottingham playhouse £65.. i'd much rather pay to see someone i love for that money.... the yoga collective here (Derby/Notts) are all going ... i love chanting so much & Deva Premal & Mitten are great but i don't feel the need to be there..  just because.. 

i am the sheep of shades of grey & meerly a tiny piece of a huge jigsaw